From Our Rabbi

Greetings B’nai Israel Community,

Love is hard. Families are complicated. Especially in Judaism.

When I started to date the woman who would become the love

of my life, I knew within a few weeks that we had something

special. I had a feeling that she would turn into the most im-

portant person of my adulthood, and that I would likely marry

and spend the rest of my life with this amazing woman. As a

result, I told EVERYBODY about her and how wonderful she

was. I wouldn’t shut my mouth about her. I know I was being

annoying, but I didn’t care. I was in love.

One day, I was about to lead services at Hillel with a buddy of

mine, Ben. I was talking about Vicki, extolling her virtues, and

he pulled me to the side.

We had gone on Birthright together the summer before, and

he and I had come out the other side as very different people.

While I had gone in with eyes wide open and had had a won-

derfully impactful experience in Israel, Ben had gone in not

knowing what to expect. He returned a changed man, wanting

to get deeper into Judaism. Although we were about to lead

Friday Night Reform services, I could tell he was already lean-

ing more Conservative in his practice, and I could tell it

wouldn’t be long until he went full Orthodox.

So Ben pulls me to the side and asks me why I’m dating Vicki.

I explained how wonderful she is and how she makes me a

better person, and how I’ve never been so head over heels for

someone before in my life. He then proceeded to tell me that I

was wrong, and that as a good Jewish person, and a leader in

the young Jewish community, I had an obligation to date

someone within the faith. He then proceeded to call her a par-

ticularly ugly Yiddish word. Our conversation ended there, we

led services, and we never spoke again after that.

 

To this day, I have not forgiven Ben, nor has he

asked for my forgiveness. He later committed to

the Orthodox way of life, made Aliyah, married

an Orthodox Jewish woman, and has a few kids. I

sincerely hope he’s happy in his life, but I think

he missed a few beats about what’s important.

I contrast this in my mind to a particular moment

in my high school years that made me alarmingly

uncomfortable and sticks with me to this day. A

Jewish professional in my area, who was also the

mother of one of my classmates, came to speak

with our youth group one evening. She sat us all

down and had “the talk” with us about what it

meant to get into relationships, date, eventually

marry, and have children. The main focus, dare I

even say agenda, of her talk was

to ENCOURAGE us to date outside the faith,

because that would lead to more converts and a

stronger Jewish community. She made it sound

like a primary purpose of dating and marriage was

to strengthen Judaism. That’s a lot to put on a

teenager.

As it currently stands, most of our students in the

Hebrew School are the children of what some call

“mixed” religions households, meaning one par-

ent is Jewish and the other is not. This was not the

case when I was growing up, but it has been a

trend in modern Judaism over the past few dec-

ades nation-wide. While it may not be what our

parents or grandparents would have wanted or

expected our communities to look like, it is my

opinion that we should embrace and cherish our

identities and our complicated family stories, as

they make us all the better.

Our community here in Spartanburg does not

have an agenda, nor does it have a singular view

of what a family should look like. We hope that by

engaging with Temple B’nai Israel, you are

choosing to do so because it enriches the life of

your family. We accept all people for who they are,

as well as who they aspire to be. If we can help

you reach that place of aspiration, we’d love to

help.

If you are converting, have converted, or are

thinking about it, I thank you from the bottom of

my heart. You make our community stronger by

choosing to be a part of it. This view is shared by

most of modern Judaism. The Rebbe, the head of

the Lubavitch Hassidic community, even once

said to a converted Jewish person “You are more

beloved by G-d than me!” While I don’t have

much in common with the Lubavitch, on this we

have common ground.

As we approach the end of the Gregorian calendar

year, there are many celebrations and events that

bring families together. Please take this time to

reflect on what is important, to hold each other

close, and to love unconditionally. In the end,

that’s the only thing that matters.

Elliott McCarthy

Spiritual Leader